


Solid Snake fucks (almost) everyone in MGS1

by orphan_account



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Absurd, Character Death, Comedy, F/M, Harems, M/M, Multi, Nanomachines, Parody, Stupidity, sexyyyy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:07:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24195634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A comedic retelling of Metal Gear Solid 1 where Solid Snake has to engage in sexual intercourse with nearly all the main characters of said game.A lot of humour requires knowledge of the Metal Gear Saga, primarily the first game. I wouldn't recommend reading if you aren't familiar with at least MGS1. In fact, I wouldn't recommend reading at all. Please don't.
Relationships: Decoy Octopus/Solid Snake, Gray Fox/Solid Snake, Johnny Sasaki/Solid Snake, Kenneth Baker/Solid Snake, Liquid Snake/Solid Snake, Mei Ling/Solid Snake, Meryl Silverburgh/Solid Snake, Metal Gear REX/Solid Snake, Naomi Hunter/Solid Snake, Nastasha Romanenko/Solid Snake, Ocelot/Solid Snake, Otacon/Solid Snake, Psycho Mantis/Solid Snake, Roy Campbell/Solid Snake, Sigint/Solid Snake, Sniper Wolf/Solid Snake, Solid Snake/Vulcan Raven
Comments: 9
Kudos: 13





	Solid Snake fucks (almost) everyone in MGS1

**Author's Note:**

> Hideo Kojima, if you are reading this, I am truly sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Col. Campbell instructs Solid Snake on the nature of his mission.

Despite no longer holding a position as colonel, Roy Campbell had been practising his commanding voice for the very day he might meet this man again. He took in a deep breath, preparing to deliver an unnecessarily long speech just as General Kojima had instructed him too. “The nuclear weapons disposal facility on Shadow Moses Island in Alaska's Fox Archipelago was attacked and captured by Next-Generation Special Forces being led by members of FOX-HOUND. They’re demanding that the government turn over the remains of Big Boss and they say that if their demands are not met within 24 hours, they’ll launch a nuclear weapon. You’ll have two mission objectives: to prevent the nuclear strike, and to eliminate the terrorists and all witnesses.”

The grizzled soldier the Colonel was addressing was none other than the renowned Solid Snake, who singlehandedly evaded an entire army of mercenaries, took down a giant bipedal robot, and killed none other than the legendary Big Boss, and killed him again when he came back to life. He had retired a few years back, but the Colonel had ~~abducted~~ asked him to make a return, as the only man capable of stopping FOX-HOUND. “Hrngghhh… I’m assuming this is a usual sneaking mission, Colonel?” The Colonel smiled. “No Snake – your mission is of a very different… character to what you are used to. You are to fuck everyone you meet.” “Excuse me!?”

“Snake, do you remember that injection Naomi gave you? The anti-freezing peptide?” “Yeah – wait, what else did you put in me!?” Snake shuddered as he remembered the time Master Miller injected crocodile piss instead of heroin into his veins. “Nanomachines, ~~son~~ Snake. Explosive nanomachines.” “Explosive nanomachines, huh?” Snake breathed a sigh of relief, then realised what the Colonel just said. “Wait, why in gods name are you putting explosive nanomachines all throughout my body? Are you crazy!?”

“Don’t worry, they should be only within your nutsack.” The Colonel explained. “My nutsack!?” Snake echoed. “That’s right – your very own two balls. You see, the lads at the pentagon where talking about using some deadly virus to simulate heart attacks, but there’s better ways to make a fox die, so I said why don’t we just do the ol’ explosive cum trick, eh? So here we are. So you go off to Shadow Moses Island, my boy, and shag everything that moves, so that we can blow it up.” “Colonel, I’m asexual. I don’t want to have sex and don’t even know how to.” “Just pretend they’re the letter A Snake, and it’ll all be fine.” For the first time since Metal Gear Survive, Snake wished for the sweet release of death.

“Look Colonel, you clearly don’t understand a thing about being ace, and I’m going to have to decline this mission. I have no interest in participating, and have no reason to. I’m going back home to my huskies.” “I think you’re going to change your mind about that in a second, Snake.” The Colonel removed his jacket and started undoing his tie. “Wait, Colonel, why are you taking off your –” The Colonel shushed Snake with one finger, “Please, call me Roy”, and his hand (solid) snaked down to Snakes pants, removing the belt. “Roy, please stop, or I’ll have to –” Suddenly, Roy unbuttoned his top, and the phattest tits Snake had ever seen bounced out. Snakes nose began to bleed.

His asexuality evaporated instantaneously, and Snake started began to feel warm all over as his heart pounded frantically. “Day-amm, now those are some A+++ hooters you’ve got right there, mind if indulge myself?” “Go for it, Snake my darling,” the Colonel said with a victorious smirk. Snake lept forward, wrapping his mouth around the soft flesh and sucked like his life depended on it. “Tasty,” he said, with a mouthful of tit. In-between moans, Roy managed to say – “Oh Snake, fuck me. Fuck me _hard –_ fuck me like the dirty little slut I am. Put your Solid Snake into my Colon-hole.”

Snake ripped his sneaking suit off, and shouted “It’s showtime!” He rammed the Colonel into the wall, and with one thrust infiltrated his Solid Snake deep into Roy’s dummy thiccccc ass. The Colonel cried out "Harder!". They fucked for 20 minutes, and at last the Colonel began to climax – “Snake,” he moaned, “Snake… SNAAAAAAAAAKEEEE!” The Colonel roared. As his cum fountained out, he cried out so loud that all the glass in the building shattered.

Snake scooped up some of the cum into a little baggie for a snack later, and then resumed fucking Roy. “Wait, Snake, you’re not done yet!?” “I haven’t come yet!” For another three hours they fucked, and finally Snake came, filling up Colonel’s asshole with his sweet sticky juices. “Oh Snake, that took ages!” “Guess I kept you waiting, huh?” “Wait Snake, weren’t your juices full of explos-”

Colonel Roy Campbell died in the following explosion. A tear almost came to Snakes eye, but he did not allow his resolve to falter, so he suppressed his emotions, which we all know is the best way to deal with grief. There was no time to mourn. Not when all of FOX-HOUND was waiting for him to screw. Snake tied on his bandana and hopped on the next tram heading for Alaska.


End file.
